Children/adolescent grooming: A groomer in this aspect is someone who seems to take care of the particular child/adolent victim. In an incestuous setting, the groomer could be her father, step-father, uncle, male family friend (even neighbours) etc. Out of all the children in that particular family, the groomer seems to give preferential treatment to this particular child/adolescent. Buying of gifts, creating a form of familiarity with the prospective victim. Taking her out, dashing out enticing promises just to get closer to her.
The main purpose of grooming a child/adolescent in case of sexually abusive incest is to allow for sometimes for the child/adolescent to become familiar with the offender. They draw closer by being seemingly nice to their prospective victims. The child/adolescent out of her innocency, might even have a crush on these intended offender. In an instance where the groomer is the father, he will try as much as possible to convince the poor girl that she is the most important among her sibling. He will show over protectiveness and try to isolate the intended victim.
Now, when trust is gained, the groomer strikes, mostly by seduction.They make it look to the girl like there is nothing wrong in watching pornography, all in the bid to develop sex interest in her. Some groomer might make the poor girl child victim believe that she is assumming the role of a girl friend and even the role of a mother incase the girl is his daughter or step.
Offenders appearing needy: In some incestuous family, the mother might be physically down (sick), emotionally weak, or psycholgically distressed, overwhelmed with the house chores, her work taking much of her time or simply showing a nonchalant attitude toward her family matters. The first daughters always fall victim in this setting. The first daughter in this setting, most atimes assumes adult responsibilties in taking care of other family members, the offender inclusive, in the absence of her mother.
The offender will make the minor feels like they need being taken care of and the poor girl, being naive, might fall for such trick. Sometimes, these girl do it in other to protect the other family members. For example, a girl child can go into incest with her step father, with the intention, that is younger ones are not to be touched by the same offender. Another example, a girl can go into incest with the father or step father in order to save her mom's marriage.
Some offenders may even plead and try to convince the minor verbally, saying all kind of rubbish to this child. I came across an incident in one of our local newspaper recently. In a family of five, a father, a mother, two daughters and a son. The mother is always coming back from work very late, the father is a public servant, arrives home not later than 4p.m. The oldest daughter, 11years, does most of the house chores. She prepares daddy's bathing water, prepare his food, etc. After a sweet shower, and a filled tummy, then the need for sexual gratification arises. He calls the poor girl into the bedroom and violate her, while the girl's siblng are watching TV in living room. The girl recalled the first time the incest started, the father strike a conversation as follows; "Come, i need you by my side. come, let me train you into a full woman", "You are the one keeping this family together, your future husband will be lucky to have a responsible person as wife" "please come closer, i need you, your brother and sister needs you, your mom needs you. You have always been a good girl. You can't turn away from us now". Statement like these confuses the girl. She feels guilty and give in to the phidophile father. At the disclosure of the incest, it was discovered that the abuse had been going on for like seven months undetected.
Here is an exerpt from the book INCEST AND SEXUALITY: "My mom was never home, she worked nights, which was a perfect opportunity. She worked night since i can remember, and that's when he started, because she wasn't ever home. I'd ask him why he was doing it, and he'd tell he did it because my mom wasn't home to do it. I'd tell him that just because she wasn't there, didn't make it my responsibility, but i'd have to do it anyway".
FORCED INCEST:In most incest involving a female minor, the offenders is always physically stronger than their victims. The offenders often force sex on the minor. It could start has occassional fondling of the girl's breast and genital, when she is thought to be fast asleep and even when she is awake. Then later graduate into a physical abuses such as slapping, drugged, hitting, blackmails etc. Since the offender is always stronger, they can possibly pin down the victim so easily. Most sexually abused children were overpowered by their offenders, the very first day the abuse started. In this process they sustain injuries in their private part and sometimes bruises on their bodies.
GIRL 1: He used to stick his penis in my bottom. He'd have this stuff on it so it would slide ... He'd make me stand over the counter and i'd tell him it hurted so bad and he'd say, "Here, bite on this wash rag" or something. It was terrible. When he sodomize me, he'd be on the waterbed and i'd be down like that, he'd have his hands on the back of my head... so i couldn't really pull away to breathe.
GIRL 2: I'd bite him!
GIRL 1: When he's about two hundred pounds heavier than yiu, you can't bite him or tell him no. He'd say its all in your head that you don't like it... If you change your attitude... It's your attitude that's bad. You've got the wrong attitude! And i'm sitting there thinking, my attitude! You shouldn't even be doing this!
The annoying thing is that, pedophiles (offenders) always have distorted way of thinking about sex and takes pleasure in listening to the groaning cry of the children/adolescents they are violating.Thinking they are enjoying it. Meanwhile, the children are actually suffering.
Exerpt from the book INCEST AND SEXUALITY: I was molested by a next-door neighbor. I guess that I was between the ages of four and five when it first started. He-an older, fat, ugly man- had me do various sexual activities with him. This went on for several years, until i was seven years old. I was afraid of this person and i hated the acts. I knew what i was doing was wrong and I was afraid of being caught or my mother finding out. I feel tremendous shame and guilt. There were times when my mother suspected something was going on and confronted me about it, i always denied the fact and felt even more guilt. I was afraid that my mother would think I was a horrible person if she ever found out. The neighbor always gave me candy after he was finished, which i always hid. I suppose that's why my mother started suspecting things. She found a lot of stale candy in bizzare places.Finally my burden became too great, so i confided in one of my older cousins, who spent a lot of time at our house. He was about five or six years older than me, and for some reason I trusted him. That was a great mistake! I don't remember if it was right after i told him or sometime later when he used this information against me. I think i was about six when he blackmailed me. He told me that if i didn't have sex with him, he would tell my parents about the next-door neighbor molesting me. So i let him do with me what he wanted. I felt I hadno other choice. I was scared of getting caught. The pain of intercourse was tremendous. I was also afraid I was going to get pregnant. I was old enough to know how people get pregnant, but i didn't know that I wasn't old enough to get pregnant. My cousin also burned me with a match in my private parts, trying to see what i looked like. I hated him, and still do.
In the next article, i will be writing on the THE COPING METHODS USED BY VICTIMS.
