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Tuesday

INCEST: SURVIVOR'S RIGHTS


Many survivors have serious reservation about their ability to successfully overcome the sexual repercussion of incest. They doubt that they can resolve sexual problems, lose their fear of sex, stop feeling guilty about sex and learn to control the negative feelings they have about sex. Sexual repercussions of incest are multi-dimensional and affects sexual attitudes, beliefs, behaviours, associations, and self-concept. Thus, trying to overcome the sexual repercussions of incest can feel much like wrestling with a giant octupos, unless you have a sense of what you are doing. Sexual problems that resulted from incest do not go away by themselves,  treating them successfully requires an effective, well-focused effort that addresses the ingrained results of the abuse. This is why seeking a professional help in form of psychotherapy is recommended. 

                                 SELF-IMAGE
Survivors must realize that their body is theirs. They are the real owners of their bodies. Survivors must learn on their own to feel better about their bodies and better about the expression of their sexual energy. Since survivors experienced their bodies as objects manipulated for another's benefit, they were denied a comfortable opportunity to develop ownership and control over their bodies and the expression of their sexual energy. 

General body acceptance can be facilitated when survivors take the time to admire their precious bodies, to privately look at themselve in the mirror, in their birthday suit. Looking at their genital area, touching their sexual parts to explore the different sensations are all good ways to extend the ownership to more sexual areas.

Survivors can create a foundation for positive future sexual relationships by learning how to distinguish caring touches from exploitive ones. Caring touch respects the receiver's feelings and gives the receiver room to say no at anytime. Exploitive touch is primarily for the benefit of the offender. Non sexual relationships that involves an excharge of touch through hand-holding, hugs, friendly kisses and physical closeness can be very healing to incest survovors and can help them establish trust and a sense of physical control.
 

"I'm finding that in my foster home I'm getting the love that I never got from my father. I had  thought that affection from fathers was them lusting after my body. Since I was four years old, which is when my mom married my stepdad, what I remember is him going after my body and just wanting my body. Now my foster father kisses me good night or kisses me goodbye, and he's showing me love in a secure way and the way in which a father should show love. He's really good about it. He told me that if he ever did anything that made me uncomfortable, hugging me or something, I should just say so and he would find it really understandable. I'm tempted to call him Dad because I never had a dad who was nice like that. He was the one who said i couldn't kiss my boyfriend, but he did that to protect me. He said he knew I could just go out and do whatever i felt like, but he told me that it was because he loved me, and loved me as much as any of his daughters,  that he didn't want me to do certain things. He shows me the same kind of things that he shows any of the other kids in his home".


The following "bill of rights" can serve as a reference for survivors in developing assertive attitudes and behaviours regarding sex.
                       Bill of Sexual Right For Survivors
  1. I have a right  to own my own body.
  2. I have a right to my own feelings, beliefs, opinions   and perceptions.
  3. I have a right to trust my own value about sexual contacts.
  4. I have a right to set my own sexual limits.
  5. I have a right to say no. 
  6. I have a right to say yes.
  7. I have the right to experience sexual pleasures.
  8. I have the right to be sexually assertive.
  9. I have the right to be the initiator in a sexual relationship. 
  10. I have the right to be in control of my sexual experience.
  11. I have a right to have a loving partner.
  12. I have a right to my sexual preferences. 
  13. I have a right to have a partner who respect me, understands me, and is willing to communicate with me.
  14. I have a right to talk to my partner about the incest. 
  15. I have a right to ask questions. 
  16. I have a right to receive accurate sexual information.
                                    Excerpt from INCEST AND SEXUALITY

Sunday

REST IN PEACE [R.I.P]

REST IN PEACE, you must have heard this statement countless times. But have you ever find some moment to ponder on this statement? When someone dies a physical death, the next statement is "May his/her gentle soul rest in peace". You might have come across another statement like " May his or soul rest in the bosom of the lord". Even on obituaries, you can still see such statements on them. "Rest in peace" is often said with an awful state of mind. It strike fear and horror to the speaker and makes him or her sober in reflection as to what is the next thing after death. 

I do not mean to strike fear into the mind of my readers, although death is really nothing to be feared and it is a natural order of nature. In Gross material world, death is necessary, the same way birth is necessary. It is a circle that every matter in this physical world must pass through.You, reading this article, as the day goes by, every moment, everyday, every hour, every minute and second is so, so invaluable, because as time goes on, you are approaching your death. Everything  earthly remains here on earth. Your physical body is earthly, and it will remain here on earth when the life force that animates it depart.

What happens to the departed soul? Do the departed soul really rest in peace? I want you to take sometime off this article and ponder about these question!!!

Let me make it known to you again here in this article that your physical bodies is not the YOU. Your soul is not the YOU. You are a spirit being. But you must make use of your physical body in this physical world and your soul in the ethereal world as well. You need these bodies to interact in each respective environment, region, plane that you may find yourself in subsequent creation.  

Just like i wrote in one of my previous articles that "THE ARRIVAL OF MAN"  and "INTRODUCTION TO CREATION" that you are on a journey, and when the time is right, you will leave this physical body, this physical world and continue on your journey. You came into this physical world, incarnated into your physical body in your mother's womb, you were born and surely you will leave the physical body to perish here. Your physical body was of the earth and to the earth shall it remain.

"In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; For out of it wast thou taken: For dust thou art, and unto dust thou shalt return."  [Bible~ Genesis 3:19]

Now where the soul is returning to, is there rest for the soul there?

 

Now at the death of your physical body {The last breathe}, you will discover that you are still conscious of your envirinment but not breathing and you will be staring straight at your inanimate physical body. The soul is always in close proximity to the lifeless body because it is still connected to it with something that looks like a cord. This cord must be disconnected in other for the soul to move on. How long it takes for this cord to be disconnected depends entirely on the soul itself. Depending on the lightness or the heaviness {dark} of the particular soul. It is easier and faster for the lighter souls than the darker souls.

Now, lets just assume that the soul has finally been disconnected from its physical body, then the soul will have no choice but move on. The Primordial laws of creation, swings into action,  every soul is served what it duly deserved. The law of Reciprocal, The law of gravitation, and The law of homogeneous species. According to the density of the soul, it is either the soul floats upward to the luminous region or sinks downward to the dark region of the ethereal world. 


Every soul in the beyond, will be attracted to the region where its density is compactible to that environment which it finds itself. Just like your stay here on earth, you can interact, feel and sense your physical environment, the same with you in the beyond. you can feel pain, feel loved, over there too. In this your new environment, you will be attracted to souls of similar characteristics. It is only on earth that the good and the bad, the beauty and the beast {beast, i mean ugly} dwell among themselves.

Now, the beyond is not Paradise for the light soul and hell for the dark soul{Hell, i.e a place with a razing inferno}. Remember, like i always write, that your existence here is a journey. You have come from somewhere, and you are destined to returned back to your origin, the spiritual home of man {but unfortunately, so many will not make it home}. So after this earthlife, you cannot just find yourself in paradise, and rest in the bosom of God, No!!! Immediatly a soul leaves this earthlife, it continues its journey i.e if the soul is not earthbounded. Journeying back to paradise, is like climbing a ladder, for you to get to the top you must take a step upward at a time. So this earthlife is like a step for you to move upward into the beyond, then in the beyond too, there are steps you have to take also in other to move on. And you can even decide to remain stagnant {earthbound} or sink downward.

I wish i can talk about "Heaven and hell" in this article, but i will not. I donot want to confuse. But incase you cannot comprehend my writing here, please read the previous articles with spirituality topics

I put it to you now,  that souls do not rest, when they leave this physical world. they move on and continue on their journey. So i admonish you today, do what you think is right for yourself. If you are good, you are good for yourself and if you are bad, then you are bad for yourself. You alone determines your direction in creation. You alone can determine if you will rise high up to paradise or perish here in this subsequent world. It is easier to repent here on earth than in the beyond. And you can save yourself alot of terrible experiences in the beyond. It is your choice. 

Genuine love for all is what you need to climb this ladder  to paradise. Love for humanity. Love for every living thing. Love for your immediate environment. And the most important of them all, Love for your God, your Creator.{You can only love God by living in accordance to the Will of God}.

 "This is my commandment, that ye love one another, as i have loved you." [Bible~John 15:12]

Monday

EFFECT OF INCEST ON SURVIVORS[2]

Sex appetite: Lack of sexual desire is a common complaint of incest survivors. It appears related to an array of problems associated with arousal. Regardless of whether survivors felt pain, pleasure or numbness during the actual physical experience of the incest. Most of them seem to identify sexual arousal with the feelings they had during their sexually abused experiences. At the time of the incest their concept of sexuality and their biological responses to sexual stimulation became associated with their negative feelings toward the abuse. This negative conditioning is very strong in survivors because the sexual abuse usually constituted their first experience with overt sexual stimulation and their negative feelings were reinforced through the repetition of the sexual abuse.

" It's difficult to enjoy stimulation to my genital area when that stimulation vividly reminds me of a previous offensive experience" Excerpt from INCEST AND SEXUALITY.

So women who were violetly and sadistically assaulted during abuses later report that sexual arousal has become paired with violent sexual behaviour.

"A twenty-six years old woman was subjected to fondling, intercourse and oral sex for five years by her brother and was tortured, tied up, locked in a small room and raped with objects said: "Many women including me, are attracted to what happened and very aroused with a repeat. Why do you think bondage, S/M , e.t.c are so popular? It's a repeat of incest- This is how i react. Loving gentle sex is too scary- a repeat of "torture" is arousing in a very scary way". Exerpt from INCEST AND SEXUALITY.


Thoughts and sensations that occur naturally during sex, such as heavy breathing, the smell of sweet, moaning sounds and sensual touching may trigger a flash back to the incest. Incest is sexual, and so by its very nature it has sexual repercussions for its victims. These repercussions can function as sexual dissabilities blocking healthy expression and enjoyment of sex. However, the sexual problems resulting from early abuse needs not be permanent. Survivors can come to realize they can make the needed change, in most case, when they are motivated and supported.

Low self esteem and bad self-image: A girl child's self-concept is built by taking in messages from the important adults in her life. When she is praised, supported and encouraged, she will probably like herself and feels she is worthwhile.In contrast, a girl who gets the message that what she feels and wants does not matter will come to feel that she is not lovable. She may feel discourage and believes she does not deserve to be cared for by others. Her basic sense of self-worth can easily become associated with her ability to second guess the needs of other people in her family. 

The unsupported girl child may strive to be perfect in the eyes of her family. An unsupported child is not different from the supported ones, the difference is in her perception i.e what they have heard, and being thought are quite different.



In incest, survivors learned not to expect reciprocity in relationships. In an incestuous families,  the offending male adults, always uses lies and deception to change the mindset of this girls. It is quite difficult and sometimes painful for a child to perceive her parent as a lier. In most cases, they believe the lies to be true.

"One teen's father, after she told him she did not lik what he was doing to her, replies, "Yes, you do. You know you do, you little tease!" Interactions like these leave the child with a sense of self-doubt and with a limited ability to trust herself." Excerpt from INCEST AND SEXUALITY.

Many survivors report having strong negative feelings toward their bodies; "ugly", "repulsive" and "disgusting" are words victims frequently use to describe themselves. These feelings serve to fuel self-hatred guilt. Survivors may respond to having negetive feelings about their bodies in a variety of ways. They may hide their bodies with excessive weight, clothes and hairstyle, may neglect their hygiene, may flaunt their bodies with seductive dresses may harm their bodies by taking extreme physical risk or by abusing drugs and alcoholic or may fail to nourish and generally care for themselves.

"He always told me I was really beautiful, but I never could quite believe him, because whenever you look in the mirror at yourself you always see this ugly image of yourself. I thought he was just saying that to make me feel better about myself so that i would do what he wanted me to. What I got was a comparison between my mom and me. He'd say my breast were so much fuller and firmer than my mom's, or my body was so much more supple, and all this, which didn't really say anything about me as a person; it was just in comparison to my mom. I really don't know what he could expect, because during most of it, my mom was pregnant".Excerpt from INCEST AND SEXUALITY.

" I hated myself and couldn't get along with others. I was always getting into trouble at school for fighting. My life was miserable. I got poor grades and spent most of the time alone. I retreated from life. When i was at home i spent most of my time in my bedroom, usually crying. I wanted to belong. I wanted to have friends, but i had established a reputation for being a poor sport and a fighter. I was a loner. During recess I sat by myself. I knew the other kids didn't want to play with me. I was a social  reject, a complete outcast. In the sixth grade I was a total reject. I was always late for school. I rarely had homework done on time. I was irresponsible. I was forgetting everything. I wore hand-me-down clothes that were outdated. My hair was unkempt and I didn't care for myself. I had tried to change over the years, but something always held me back". Excerpt from INCEST AND SEXUALITY.



Sunday

EFFECT OF INCEST ON SURVIVORS[1]

Definition of incest survivor:
A survivor is someone who survived and endured the harsh experiences incest. Incest survivors are victims who endured throughout the incest experiences. The pressure is no longer there again, probably the victim has been seperated from the offender or the offender was caught and prosecuted. Whichever way, the incest has stopped. The victim is now an incest survivor.

   
EFFECT OF INCEST ON SURVIVORS:
The effect of incest on survivors here, i mean the effect when the sexual abuse no longer occur again. When the incest has stopped, even after sexual abuse has long been halted. The effect of incest on the victim could last her lifetime, if not helped. The effect could be more devastating in female survivor than their male counterpart. The survivor, even after many years will still feel the effect of the incest. The following are some of the effect of incest on survivors.


Social and sexual withdrawal: In the teens years following sexual abuse, survivors often gravitate toward one of the extreme lifestyles. The survivor becomes socially and sexually withdrawn. The withdrawal response can reflect a survivor's fear about sex, anxieties about partners, and poor self-image. Symptoms of withdrawal include refusing dates, staying  socially isolated, acting as if sex does not exist and denying sexual feelings. In marriage, survivors may have distorted idea about what will be expected of them when they go out with their spouse. They may imagine that dating will require sexual willingness and responsiveness. They believe basically that every  male adult  is only interested in sleeping with her.

Survivors may have little confident in their abilities to say no or to protect themselves and may instead want a situation in which they expect to once again feel overpowered and paralyzed. Please take note, when i wrote dating, i mean relationship that is potentially going to lead to marriage. The essence of a perpetual relationship is to eventually get married.  Stop wasting your energy in fruitless relationships, rather, use that time to develop yourself, realizing the real person that your are. releasing the potentials in you. Spend more time developing yourself physically {Exercising, good hygiene, high self esteem and self image etc.}, mentally {cultivate the habit of reading}, improve  your emotional intelligent {very important} and spiritually {Love your neighbour as yourself}…

Some survivors who withdraw socially and sexually, always have the problem of keeping a successful marriage, because withdrawal can lead to a boring marriage and not all men are emotionally matured enough to handle such situation. Survivors who show  symptoms of withdrawal really need help. If you had been a survivor of any form of sexual abuse, and find yourself withdrawing from the society, your family, your friends, relatives etc. then you need a therapist or any medical proffession that can help you get you get back on track. 

Promiscuity: Some survivor can become promiscuous in nature. They learn from incest that heir sexual attentions can give them a feeling of special power over men. They fail to see how superficial this feeling is and how much it reflects a reaction to the powerlessness they experience earlier in life. Many survivors use sexual promiscuity to prove to themselves that their sexuality is in their own, meaning they are in full control of their promiscuity by choosing to sleep with many partners. The survivor can attempt to give herself a sense of being in control. Indescriminate sexual activity may have other repercussion as well, such as unwanted pregnancies, abortions, venereal disease, loss of respect and exploitation, all of which impact negatively on self-esteem. 

In a situation where the victim had to run away from the place of  sexual abuse due to the overwhelming pressure from the offender {This pressure could include physical abuses also from the offender}. Such survivors who has no one to fall back on, no place to reside, except in the wild. For such, she is almost likely going to use the only asset she owns to survive i.e prostitution.


Lesbianism: Incest, which are such a profoundly upsetting experience, seems to bring with it the possibility of influencing sexual preference in many different ways. Some survivors feel more attracted to same-sex partners because of the influence of incest they experienced while growing up. Some may feel safer and more comfortable with female because the female body lacks many of the reminders of the abuse they experienced, such as the penis, masculinity, semens, deep voice, body hair etc.

I think should stop here for now, i will continue on this same topic in the next article.

Thursday

INCEST: How victims cope when sexually abused

In this article, i will be dealing with incest that has been occurring  for quite a long time undetected. For incest that has been in existence for quite a long time, the victims are always helpless. The victims always believe that they have no choice and that nothing can be done to halt the incestuous activities that they are experiencing on a regular basis. In most instances, these helpless little children/adolescents are afraid to disclose the incest because of the aftermath of the incest disclosure. Most at times, the victims that cannot dislose the incest, will definitely find a means of coping with the molestation.

During molestation, incest victims are subjected to high degree of stress mentally, and physically. They may be flooded with feelings of fear, panic, confusion and betrayal, and may suffer from enormous anxiety. For the younger children, their bodies are undeveloped and unprepared for sexual activities, the physical sensations of the abuse can be overwhelming, creating discomfort, unbearable pain or unusual pleasures. There are different ways in which sexually abused victims cope with the pressure of the abuses. Coping methods are critical ways victims find to protect their sense of well-being and personal integrity. Because of the intense stress of sexual abuse, failure to employ coping methods could seriously jeopardize a victim's sanity. While the methods employed may vary, they all appear to facilitate mental escape from the abuse or relief from the stress of physical sensation. The following are coping methods use by victims.

                     DISSOCIATION: 
Victims can dissociate from the incest by divorcing themselves mentally from the incestuous experience. Dissociation permit them to blank out and be somewhere else in their minds. They create a body-mind split so they do not have to stay mentally present and fully experience from conscious memories. Victims are sometimes, left not feeling fully themselves in many other situations. Dissociation helps the victim, a deep wish to believe that the incest never really happened.

A victim can dissociate herself by divorcing her attention and mind away from the actual occurrence she is experiencing. At that moment, she might focus her attention and control on a part of her body that was not being invaded. Some victims can even engage themselves in other activities around them. Yet some will become absent minded, becoming totally removed from that particular place they are being violated.

"During these episodes she would concentrate all her awareness the sounds of children playing outside the house. She vividly imagined herself being them instead with her father."  Excerpt from INCEST AND SEXUALITY

 "There are times when we have sex together that i find myself checking out of the sex. There's a plant that hangs above our bed, and that's what i will usually do- find a spot on the ceiling or on the wall or the corner of the room or something. i will just try to go there. Once in a while we 'll get going and i feel like somethings going to come up and i can feel that i do it again. But it's not any thing that's really creating a problem with us, because i think i'm coming alive sexually." Excerpt from INCEST AND SEXUALITY

Some victims learned amnesia as a response to sexual contact. They seems to be taken away mentally from the place of incest and forget totally about the abuse each time the offender leaves. Extreme forms of dissociation are evident in some victims who establish a mind-body split that cause them to leave the physical reality of a sexual situation and enter into state totally unrelated to who and where they are at that time.

"During incest, penetration was always painful, but i could ignore it and laugh it off...[Now] I never withdraw my body from the scene- my body doesn't have to fear because my mind leaves and my body becomes an object. When my mind is in total control, my body then joins my mind somewhere else. Then this is happening outside my body- Orgasm happens, but it is not my body. It is someone else, somewhere else, in another place and time." Excerpt from INCEST AND SEXUALITY

Survivors who used the dissociation method of coping sometimes experience difficulty with their abilities to control this dissociative response to sexual activities. They can become vulnerable to developing multiple personality problems. multiple personality problem is one the effect that a sexually abused female might developed, If help is not extended to her. 

NUMBING THE PART OF THE BODY THAT IS ABUSED: 
This is another method developed by some sexually abused children/adolescents is numbing the body. Numbing the body can be an important protective measures taken during times of physical pain, but the repercussion is always visible when victims has become a full grown adult, physically ready for relationship. But mentally and sexually, they are not. The victims has the ability to create disruption in becoming sexually aroused. The incestuous experiences has made the poor rigid or limp. They suspect every touch from male. They assume that touching is for someone else's benefit instead of their own. incest victims or survivors may find themselves unable to feel comfortable with a simple hug.

                 DRUGS AND ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION: 
This coping method is mostly applied by the older children {you know what i mean by older children? if not, go back to my previous articles on INCEST} that are sexually abused. Many turns to alcohol and hard drugs to help themselves escape mentally and physically during the incest.  

"One survivor described drinking alcohol and taking drugs almost every night from age twelve onward.During the period of the incest, she would do this until she obtained a state of semi-consciousness so that when her father entered her room, she could be less aware of what he was doing to her." Excerpt from INCEST AND SEXUALITY


Apart from using drugs and alcohol, the victim can also pretend to be sleepin during the abuse. They shut their eyes and make their bodies go completely limp.


 TO RELAX AND ENJOY THE WHOLE SHOW:
 When a victim cannot control the abuse she is experiencing and its been going on for quite sometime, then they have to develop a way of coping with the painful and stressful act. One of the coping method she is likely to exhibit, is to relax and enjoy whole show. Every fondling, every touch,  for each penetration, she enjoys every bit of it. So the victim just simple give in to the offender without any struggle at all. In a situation where the victim has tried all she could to stop the incest but to no avail, or she is doing for a reason {probably to protect the interest of someone or so...}, such victims will is less likely to put up a resistant fight when abused sexually.

However, when early sexual experiences are perceived as both pleasurable and repugnant, there may be a sense of betrayal by one's own body. Self-hatred towards one's body and genitals can result. 
 
Protective skill developed by victims themselves are very important and creative means which are used in dealing with the sexual abuses.They are positive and absolutely necessary. However, These coping methods become problem only when the situation has change and they are no longer useful, that is, when these methods are used continuingly, even after the incest has stopped. It is important for survivors to remember that these coping methods were learned and they are no longer useful again after the incest has stopped. New ways of feeling safe can now be learned.

You might be wondering why i am writing on INCEST, Remember, this blog is all about spiritual life and earth life. Incest has become a menace in our society, no matter where you are reading this from, as long as you reside on this planet, then you belong to one community or the other. Alot of female children/adolescents are suffering on a daily basis from those who really should have shown them much love. Should you be the male offender, please i beg you, get help, i know you cannot stop it on your own because it could be an addiction, the more reason you need help. Should you fall into the category of the non-offenders and you know a child/adolescent that is sexually abused, endevour to help her. Probably, in one of the subsequent article on INCEST, i am going to inform you about how to get help.
  

Sunday

YOUR WORDS

On earth, humans are the only being granted by the Creator to form words. Not only to form words but to use it as a means of communication  among themselves. It was a gracious gift given to human being on the course of his journey for his development. Words, just like thoughts and deeds [in short, words are deeds too], there will also be a repercussion for every word you utter out. Becareful what you let out of your mouth, because they can determine your fate here on earth. Remember, Your words are firmly anchored in the Primordial laws of Creation, so be careful what you mutter, because just like actions and thoughts, they will always return to you heavily laden. And the effect can either be beneficial or painful to you.

Words are formed, from words, phrase/clause are formed, from phrase, sentences are formed, this are the capabilities of the human spirit alone. Your words can be used to develop your develop your yourself both spiritually and physically. For every word you mutter, in the Ethereal world, it takes on form and it will sooner or later manifest itself in this Gross material world(physical world of ours). 


You can use your words for the upliftment of humanity and this subsequent creation at large or you can also use it for destructive purposes, then it up to you. The consequences of your words will fall back on you. You will surely reap what you sow,  and you shall reap it in  multiple folds. It like planting a maize seed, at the time of harvest you are sure going to reap more than one seed. The same way the Law of Reciprocal action works. You can call it whatsoever you wish to call it, but the truth still remains that the workings of the this Primordial Law can be observed in all of Creation.

Now, my aim here in this article is to delibrate on the wrong use of words. Using of words in a destructive manner. Your words are destructive,  if it is not uplifting. Even when your are admonishing someone, donot admonish to your pride, do it genuinely. Gossiping is one of ways of using words wrongly, because nothing good will ever come out of gossiping.

Gossip means an idle talk, when you converse with another or give an untrue report about the third person, in his or her absence, then it is a gossip. It is totally wrong to meddle in people's personal issues all in the bid to bring them  down.


 "Oh  ye who believe! If a wicked person comes to you with any news, ascertain the truth, lest you harm people unwittingly and afterwards, become full repentance for what ye had done."   {Qur'an  49:6}

Do not join others in spreading rumour about someone, or his/her personal issues, especially when the intention of the unconfirmed news is evil. What you cannot say about a person in his/her presence, donot say it in his/her absence. 

If you really wants to grow spiritually, you must learn how to talk less. Minimize the  number of words you mumble. The human spirit was not meant to speak unintelligently and senselessly. Jesus admonished us to use few words. 

"Let your communication be, Yea, yea: Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil" {Bible~Matthew 5:37} 

Becareful of those that talk much! Be very careful of them all. Those who talk much are always backbiters, gossipmonger and rumourmongers, slanderers, liers, cajolers.

 "He that goeth about as a talebearer revealeth secrets: therefore, meddle not with him that flattereth with his lips." {Bible~Proverb 20:19} 

Just like deed, what really matter in words is the intention behind these words. Your volition behind every thoughts, words and deeds matter alot.The lord Jesus give the following statement about the intention behind a thought while he was teaching: 

 "But i say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already with his heart." {Bible~Matthew 5:28}

 


From now on, always endeavor to let the volition behind your thoughts, words and deeds to be pure. Let your words become a shining light to others. Let your words serve as means of encouragement to others. Your words should bring beauty and love to earth, not destruction and seperation. Let people find your words, trustworthy. Be a man or a woman of few words.

"Therefore, pay attention to all words: for they hold joy or sorrow for you, they build up or disintegrate, they bring clarity but can also confuse, according to the manner in which they are spoken and applied."

"Heed your wolds! let your speech be simple and true! in accordance with the Holy Will of God, it contains an ability to form in an upbuilding way and also in a destroying ways, depending on the nature of the words and the speaker." {IN THE LIGHT OF TRUTH} 

I hereby wish to end this article with the quote of  Gautama Buddha; 

"If speech have five marks, O monastics, it is well spoken, not badly spoken,  blameless, and above reproach by the wise. What are this five marks? It is speech that is timely, true, gentle, purposeful, and spoken with a mind of loving kindness."

 

 

Friday

THE KINGDOM OF GOD

"THE KINGDOM GOD" also known as THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN! What do you understand about this kingdom? The Son of God, Jesus, taught about the KINGDOM using parables. Why did Jesus emphasied so greatly on the matters relating to the Kingdom of Heaven? Even to the extent of sending his disciples as apostles to preach about the Kingdom of God. Infact, the purpose of the coming of the lord Jesus christ was based on the Kingdom of God. He taught with parables of  the sower, parable of the hidden treasures, parable of the leaven. 

What do understand by the phrase: THE KINGDOM OF GOD OR THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN? In the artcle "DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MAN AND ANIMAL" and "INTRODUCTION TO CREATION", I wrote about the origin of man and that of animals. The  human spirit originated from the spiritual realm. At the crown of creation, the spiritual realm is situated. You! as a spirit being, your origin is from the topmost part of creation, from where you journeyed down to this Gross material world. And on the course of your journey, the unconscious spirit spark to a conscious human spirit. But the truth is that majority of the human spirits on earth are fast asleep, indolence of the spirit. Only through your own effort can you work out your salvation for yourself.  Many cannot even pray for themselves without consulting the assistance of a so called man of God. Your church or temple cannot help you in this matter. You alone can help yourself. You seriously need to be awaken! 


The KINGDOM OF GOD, also called THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN is the home of the human spirit. It is the paradise. The paradise from which ones the unconscious  spirit spark was evicted, and has the need to return home as a developed and conscious human spirit. Just because The spiritual realm is called THE KINGDOM OF GOD does not mean that it is the abode of THE ALMIGHTY CREATOR. Even The Divine beings cannot  behold the countenance of GOD, not to talk of a Spirit being.


A glimpse of  THE KINGDOM OF GOD was shown to John and he gave account of what he saw in Rev 21:21-27, about the street made of gold. It is so unfortunate that so many will not be able to make it there.


The question is, how can you make it back to paradise? Jesus gave us the answer. The two statements pave the way to paradise. The first and the most important is "Hear O isreal; The Lord Our God Is One Lord". The second is, "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself". This two qoutes are so powerful that you can trace your way back home, if and only if you can put them into practice. make them your daily lifestyle. Make this words your daily experiences. Other prophets like Zoroster, budha, prophet Mohammed (SAW), Moses etc. came with similar message, but they are mostly ignored. 


Before now, you have always pictured the Kingdom of God differently. Mostly christians, always picture heaven as a place in which a powerful being, in an human form, with white bear and hairs, dressed in white robe, sitting on a throne, with his bright lighten countenance. Wrong!!! God does not reside in Spiritual world, Only feel the nearness of God can be felt. The Creator Itself does not reside there.

It is true that there is no night in paradise, no sun, no moon, it is bright naturally, even you, your spirit body is shiny bright. No sorry, no death, no corruption, nothing evil thought can be conceived at all. All is working in accordance with the Promordial laws governing Creation.


The MILLENIUM is another matter entirely, probably in the future, i might delibrate a little about the Millenium.


 Jesus demanded that you seek first the Kingdom of God. 


Love your neighbour the way you will love yourself. Treat others in the same manner you want them to treat you. Learn to be a good giver, because only in giving, can you truly receive. And most important of all, love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, soul and mind. With all that you possessed.

 

Sunday

INCEST: How offenders lure their victims into sex

Incest involving an adult and a minor, the minor hardly consent to being painfully violated. For incest involving a younger child(if you have been following my past articles, you will understand what i mean by younger child), it is totally unacceptable. To that child it is very painful, so why would a child consent to a painful activities like painful sex. sexual offenders uses their victim's age, dependence, and immaturity to their advantage. Most sexually abusive incest take place repeatedly over time. The method used by perpetrators to coerce these children/ unprepared adolescent into sexual activities and keep it secret with the children varies and depending on the situation on ground. There are many methods but i will discuss only two or three in this article.

Children/adolescent grooming: A groomer in this aspect is someone who seems to take care of the particular child/adolent victim. In an incestuous setting, the groomer could be her father, step-father, uncle, male family friend (even neighbours) etc. Out of all the children in that particular family, the groomer seems to give preferential treatment to this particular child/adolescent. Buying of gifts, creating a form of familiarity with the prospective victim. Taking her out, dashing out enticing promises just to get closer to her. 

           The main purpose of grooming a child/adolescent in case of sexually abusive incest is to allow for sometimes for the child/adolescent to become familiar with the offender. They draw closer by being seemingly nice to their prospective victims. The child/adolescent out of her innocency, might even have a crush on these intended offender. In an instance where the groomer is the father, he will try as much as possible to convince the poor girl that she is the most important among her sibling. He will show over protectiveness and try to isolate the intended victim. 

           Now, when trust is gained, the groomer strikes, mostly by seduction.They make it look to the girl like there is nothing wrong in watching pornography, all in the bid to develop sex interest in her. Some groomer might make the poor girl child victim believe that she is assumming the role of a girl friend and even the role of a mother incase the girl is his daughter or step.

Offenders appearing needy: In some incestuous family, the mother might be physically down (sick), emotionally weak, or psycholgically distressed, overwhelmed with the house chores, her work taking much of her time or simply showing a nonchalant attitude toward her family matters. The first daughters always fall victim in this setting. The first daughter in this setting, most atimes assumes adult responsibilties in taking care of other family members, the offender inclusive, in the absence of her mother. 

          The offender will make the minor feels like they need being taken care of and the poor girl, being naive, might fall for such trick. Sometimes, these girl do it in other to protect the other family members. For example, a girl child can go into incest with her step father, with the intention, that is younger ones are not to be touched by the same offender. Another example, a girl can go into incest with the father or step father in order to save her mom's marriage.

           Some offenders may even plead and try to convince the minor verbally, saying all kind of rubbish to this child. I came across an incident in one of our local newspaper recently. In a family of five, a father, a mother, two daughters and a son. The mother is always coming back from work very late, the father is a public servant, arrives home not later than 4p.m. The oldest daughter, 11years, does most of the house chores. She prepares daddy's bathing water, prepare his food, etc. After a sweet shower, and a filled tummy, then the need for sexual gratification arises. He calls the poor girl into the bedroom and violate her,  while the girl's siblng are watching TV in living room. The girl recalled the first time the incest started, the father strike a conversation as follows; "Come, i need you by my side. come, let me train you into a full woman", "You are the one keeping this family together, your future husband will be lucky to have a responsible person as wife" "please come closer, i need you, your brother and sister needs you, your mom needs you. You have always been a good girl. You can't turn away from us now". Statement like these confuses the girl. She feels guilty and give in to the phidophile father. At the disclosure of the incest, it was discovered that the abuse had been going on for like seven months undetected.

           Here is an exerpt from the book INCEST AND SEXUALITY: "My mom was never home, she worked nights, which was a perfect opportunity.  She worked night since i can remember, and that's when he started, because she wasn't ever home. I'd ask him why he was doing it,  and he'd tell he did it because my mom wasn't home to do it. I'd tell him that just because she wasn't there, didn't make it my responsibility, but i'd have to do it anyway".

FORCED INCEST:In most  incest involving a female minor, the offenders is always physically stronger than their victims. The offenders often force sex on the minor. It could start has occassional fondling of the girl's breast and genital, when she is thought to be fast asleep and even when she is awake. Then later graduate into a physical abuses such as slapping, drugged, hitting, blackmails etc. Since the offender is always stronger, they can possibly pin down the victim so easily. Most sexually abused children were overpowered by their offenders, the very first day the abuse started. In this process they sustain injuries in their private part and sometimes bruises on their bodies.

Here is an exerpt from the book INCEST AND SEXUALITY:

                 GIRL 1:    He used to stick his penis in my bottom. He'd have this stuff on it so it would slide ... He'd make me stand over the counter and i'd tell him it hurted so bad and he'd say, "Here, bite on this wash rag" or something. It was terrible. When he sodomize me, he'd be on the waterbed and i'd be down like that, he'd have his hands on the back of my head... so i couldn't really pull away to breathe.

                 GIRL 2:        I'd bite him!

                 GIRL 1:        When he's about two hundred pounds heavier than yiu, you can't bite him or tell him no. He'd say its all in your head that you don't like it... If you change your attitude... It's your attitude that's bad.  You've got the wrong attitude! And i'm sitting there thinking, my attitude! You shouldn't even be doing this!

          The annoying thing is that, pedophiles (offenders) always have distorted way of thinking about sex and takes pleasure in listening to the groaning cry of the children/adolescents they are violating.Thinking they are enjoying it. Meanwhile, the children are actually suffering. 

          Exerpt from the book INCEST AND SEXUALITY: I was molested by a next-door neighbor. I guess that I was between the ages of four and five when it first started. He-an older, fat, ugly man- had me do various sexual activities with him. This went on for several years, until i was seven years old. I was afraid of this person and i hated the acts. I knew what i was doing was wrong and I was afraid of being caught or my mother finding out. I feel tremendous shame and guilt. There were times when my mother suspected something was going on and confronted me about it, i always denied the fact and felt even more guilt. I was afraid that my mother would think I was a horrible person if she ever found out. The neighbor always gave me candy after he was finished, which i always hid. I suppose that's why my mother started suspecting things. She found a lot of stale candy in bizzare places.Finally my burden became too great, so i confided in one of my older cousins, who spent a lot of time at our house. He was about five or six years older than me, and for some reason I trusted him. That was a great mistake! I don't remember if it was right after i told him or sometime later when he used this information against me. I think i was about six when he blackmailed me. He told me that if i didn't have sex with him, he would tell my parents about the next-door neighbor molesting me. So i let him do with me what he wanted. I felt I hadno other choice. I was scared of getting caught. The pain of intercourse was tremendous. I was also afraid I was going to get pregnant. I was old enough to know how people get pregnant, but i didn't know that I wasn't old enough to get pregnant. My cousin also burned me with a match in my private parts, trying to see what i looked like. I hated him, and still do. 

          In the next article, i will be writing on the THE COPING METHODS USED BY VICTIMS.



Tuesday

INCEST; Signs that indicates a girl is sexually abused

BEHAVIOUR CHANGE IN AN ABUSED CHILD:
The bodies of younger children are not ready yet, for sexual activities, mentally, they are not ready either. It is more like an unripe organ, undeveloped, unprepared for sexual activities. Their imagination and hallucination, the pain and traumatic stress, which i believe is too much for a child to bear. For older children i.e an adolescent, she might be ripe enough, but the question is, psychologically, is she ready? When it is a dissentaneous incest, then it is a sexual abuse. 

          What are the signs to watch out for in a girl child/adolescent, if you want to know if she is sexually abused?  There are always some behavioural changes in sexually abused children/adolescents you can observe carefully, if you really want to help them, the following are the behavioural changes;  

 FOR YOUNGER CHILDREN {age: 1~10years}:
  1. Bedwetting
  2. Masterbating
  3. unexplained gagging
  4. Loss of appetite
  5. Frequent genital infections 
  6. Withdrawal or isolation
  7. Explicit sexual knowledge
  8. Vicious languages unusual for their age.
  9. Irritability and aggressivenes
  10. Sleeping disturbance e.g nightmares.
  11. eating disorder
  12. etc.
 FOR  OLDER CHILDREN {10~15years}:
  1.  Depression
  2.  Drug abuse
  3.  Excessive alcohol consumption
  4.  Low self esteem
  5.  Withdrawal and isolation from social life
  6.  Aversion to going home (Temporary or permanent runaway.)
  7.  Infections
  8.  Abdominal pain
  9.  Muscle ache
  10.  Self-mutilation e.g injuring self,
  11.  Suicide attempt
  12.  Truancy
  13.  Dizziness
  14.  Gagging
  15.  Severe headache
  16.  Seductive behaviour
  17.  Promiscuity
  18.  Prostitution
  19.  Eating disorder
  20.  Sudden weight loss or gain
  21.  Change in school performance
  22.  Delinquent behaviour
  23.  Excessive masterbating
  24.  etc
          There are more behavioural changes, but these are the common ones you are likely to notice in a sexually abused child. Should you notice one, two or more of  these behavioural changes in a girl child/ adolescent, do not to tag her a bad girl. It is wrong to judge, especially when you do not know the person in quote.

           Do not look down on them. Do not blame, scold or make them feel guilty. That girl might need your in order for her to break free from the torment of sexual abuses she is experiencing. Such child/adolescent needs your help. She is suffering deeply within her. Help! You can be the help thei child/adolesent needs to break free from traumatic stress. It is common for these signs to be completely ignored by other family members. If there is any response, it always consist of blaming and punishing the poor girl for the exhibited behaviour, not knowing that this change in attitude could be symptoms of being sexually abused. And this abuse can go on undetected for a long time. Long suffering for the poor girl.

             
So, i inbibe mothers to watch out for these signs. In most cases, the children/adolescents do not give consent to the offending adult, rather, some are forced into incest through various means of physical abuse e.g being slapped, drugged, held down etc.  remember, the offender is in most times stronger than his victim. Feeling of hopelessness, fear of responsibility, depression and threats from the offender keeps the victim from disclosing the incest.

              A woman, who was abused from age three to seventeen by her father, step father, brother and uncle gave this account: "I thought i'd be blamed and shamed- I had a crush on my step-father, so i thought i caused it at age five. When i was older, a teen, i thought my mother would have a nervous breakdown or else kill someone or some unknown and horribly shameful catastrophe would happen, we were not emotionally closed. I lived in a fantasy world for survival... I was under extreme stress. I felt suicidal, homocidal and schizophrenic. Barely on the edge of sanity, constantly."

               Incest involving a child is a forceful rape. A rape in which  injuries are opened and re-opened, everytime he penetrates. So, for you to help a sexually abused child/adolescent, the first step is to create some form of acquaintancy between you and the young lady, become her best of friends i.e after you have read the signs already.  When she discover that she can trust you with secrets, she might disclosure to you about the incest. All you need is a tangible evidence from her and then from there, you can help her by taking the appropriate steps in helping her.

               In the next article, i shall be writing on the methods used by offender in luring their victims into incest .